Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Randomize
