I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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