Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
