i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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