i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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