Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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