drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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