Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
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