theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My penis needs a shock collar
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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