Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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