I wish I could punch you in the face.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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