You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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