seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
