Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
