Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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