I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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