my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
