I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
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I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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