I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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