Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
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Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
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Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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