That's intense
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
