i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
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