1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
