I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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