I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
