Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
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