Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
her facebook's as public as her vagina
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
