4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
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Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
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Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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