u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
