She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
