I'm so fucking centered right now
people are starting to question the shark bite story
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
