We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
