i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
