There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
