At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I woke up under a house in Key West
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