Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
