paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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