I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
