Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
