I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
