1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
