I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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