i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
