"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.