you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
