i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
It's blow job season.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.