Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
