I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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