she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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