I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
