Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
