I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
