I showed him my bush... on skype.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
