This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
