My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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