Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Dear god my vagina.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
