just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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