Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
