Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Randomize
