is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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