My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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