Screwed.edu
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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