I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
