He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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