My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
